So many of us live our lives like they are consolation prizes.
Like they are placeholders for the real thing.
And that seems to be getting more and more obvious to me the more people I meet and treat. And so I wanted to do some deep exploration into myself to see if I am doing the same thing.
For instance, I have spent the majority of my life,single. I have been married. I have lived in sin with someone. And I’ve dated a lot of men and women. Hell, I’ve even written a book about online dating!
But the majority of my nights have been spent solo. And when I look at how I feel about that, there is this moment that occurs where I think, “but that won’t be forever.”
That’s the piece that’s important to unpack. The after thought. The silent nudge. The undercurrent that there is something wrong with not being paired.
The thing is, when I look deep inside at my relationships, I am so full.
I have cultivated some of the most amazing friendships that fill my soul to maximum capacity. That challenge and reward me with stability and constancy. That evolve and change and grow and reflect back to me my evolution. That participate in my life and allow me the luxury of participating in theirs.
I am always working on my relationship with my family, which definitely has its ups and downs. And as you know, I have undying love for my sweet little pooch who daily teaches me deep lessons about myself.
I have manifested work this lifetime that makes my soul sing. That I love and get so much joy and pleasure from doing! That never feels like a burden and leaves me tired and content at the end of the day.
And when I ask myself “what won’t last forever?” I draw a blank. Because what I have done is create a life so full that when I look at it, it’s really not missing anything.
I would be lying if I said there were times I miss the intimacy of partnership. But so many times I can find that with friends or with a fabulous book, or the perfect bath, or with deep meditation.
And I wonder what makes me feel like I should be missing something?
There is this notion that when something is paired it is complete. We all know it. We’ve been taught it. We read about it and watch it on movies and TV. We see it mirrored around us. We notice it in the friends and relatives that are paired. And that is fine. When the pairing is working, it’s amazing.
But for me, I’m witnessing more times than not that the pairing seems to hide something missing, more than adding to something that is already complete.
And that hiding and codependency is something that rarely seems to get addressed.
Minutes after meeting somebody new I am often asked if I’m single. It’s such a strange question since it usually has no relevance to what we are discussing. It feels like this weird probe to underhandedly ask if I am actually happy. That perhaps I’m not complete yet. And sometimes the question makes me uncomfortable. Like maybe I’m not doing something right, like I am really missing something.
But more times than not I’m in a space of being so completely comfortable with who I am and I smile and say, “yes. I sure am.”
But I am confronted daily on Facebook wth these plaques with rewarding slogans about being single. These strong positions of how we are overcoming and finding happiness. And I call bollox!
I think those all miss the point. The nature of relationship is really about ourselves. Being complete in ourselves. In fact, the unhappiness in relationship is about the missing elements within ourselves. We are constantly striving to heal ourselves.
And being actively single shouldn’t be something we are trying to win over our need/desire to be in relationship.
Being “single” is actually, when embraced fully, being complete in ourselves.
And perhaps the label of single is what’s confusing things. Because I don’t feel single. I feel expansive and exploratory. I feel deep and desired and I feel excited and seen and loved and nourished. I feel connected on so many levels!
And I feel beautiful and talented and respected. And I feel needed and complete.
But I don’t feel single. In fact I feel anything but. And so from this moment on if somebody asks me if I’m single, well, I don’t know what I’ll say but I won’t be yes. It may start out kind of soap boxy…so watch out.
And the next time my mind thinks, “this won’t last forever,” I’m going to hit my meditation cushion and find out what I’m missing in myself. I’m gonna find out what part of me isn’t being seen or heard. I’m going to find out how I need to take care of myself better.
And if I’m being really honest, I’m pretty damn excited about this exploration because every time I’m seated firmly in my experience here, loving and being loved, that generates more love. And if I could be known as a love generator…well…that would be the most rad title I could ever imagine having!
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