We are at the tail end of seven months into a new way of living.
Seven months we have lived with coronavirus as an entire planetary family. Some of this family are dealing with the coronavirus very well and some of us, generally those in the United States, not so much.
I am enthralled by the way this virus has divided us. By the way a virus could take on political resonance. By the way a simple little tiny invisible bug can create so much change.
And that is what I would like to write about today. The change that has come with the coronavirus.
I’m going to talk about my experience here because I have a feeling it will resonate with you in some way.
Prior to the coronavirus I acted very differently. I overworked A LOT. I put my health on the back burner to leave space for other peoples wellness. I certainly never thought about cleanliness the way I do now.
But I also think I took my interpersonal relationships for granted. I never realized how much hugging someone made me feel alive. How the simple act of reaching out and touching someone to comfort them beamed love through my whole being. Shoot, I never realized how much I enjoyed making eye contact and smiling at people in the grocery store. Or the little conversations I had with strangers. Even the freedom to go out to dinner and feel safe and cared for and nourished.
All those things and more have v a n i s h e d.
When a patient cries in my office I now hesitate to move closer to them, to touch them and reassure them. I’m actually afraid this innocent contact will make them more stressed out than they currently are. What has become of us?
You see, I’m a bleeding heart. If someone wants my help I bend over backwards to make sure they have it. Healing has always come easily to me. It has always traveled joyfully through me. There is something core inside me that is touched very deeply when I can be witness to someone’s journey towards health. This journey which will transform their lives.
And I don’t think I realized until I was home for a month at the beginning of all this, that I would be recovering from decades of over-giving. That I would be learning what that over-giving takes from my own vitality stores.
At first, when people started returning to the office, my practice was slow. I was nervous of course that my previously full practice was so flat. I was upset that people didn’t trust that I could keep them safe, but also understood why they felt that way. I recognized the ego trip I was running as I tumbled through all the feelings…. feeling like I wasn’t important enough, not needed, not good enough, not helpful. And I sat with all of that. That was fun…
But then new patients started calling into the office. Before I knew it, my practice was full again with an entirely new patient load. I loved the challenge of all of the new patients. And in a blink of the eye I was up to my old tricks. I was seeing more people than I was energetically comfortable with. But how could I not? These were people who needed help and they were calling me.
I tried to remind myself that I’m only comfortable with a certain amount of clients a week, and more than that dips into my own personal energy stores. So I would say to myself, “just this one week.”
But then this one week turned into the next week and the next week. And then I decided that I would hire another acupuncturist which would solve everything. But no one showed up and I am left caring for all these people who in my own way I truly love.
So what happened? I pushed myself even further than I did before coronavirus. And this Wednesday night I wake up with a sore throat like I haven’t had in years. It came out of nowhere. I remember having this one or two times in the past and remembered it was because of this exact same situation.
In the morning it hurt too much to talk so I had to ask Betty (my old office manager) to call and reschedule everybody. And here I am sitting with my ego again, the wounded healer. How can I get sick? I don’t get sick! I help people get well.
Oh man, the ego. The ego. The ego. All we can do is listen to the voices inside our head and the feeling in our heart and decide who we would rather trust.
And so I was forced to do just that. In my heart I was craving some time to take care of myself. So, I took care of myself.
I took the herbs I needed. I drank tons of water. I rested. I meditated. I watched lots of Dave Chapelle. And I remembered the pact I made to myself. The line in the sand of what I can and what I can’t give.
I have an insane week coming up that is already in the books and I’m going to trust some of those will cancel. And I have tripled my efforts at finding an acupuncturist to come in and help me. And I’m wondering if this is the time I figure it out for good?
We are in a time of massive change and recalibration.
I want to say that again because this is the most important part. We are in a time of massive change potentially unlike any we have ever known in our lifetime. But this change feels like a recalibration, like a reboot.
It is time to look at your life and make sure it’s the life you want to be living. And that means all aspects. From personal to professional. From how you treat yourself to how to treat others. Now is the time to make the tweaks that enliven your life, your communities.
Next week we have Halloween on a full moon. Maybe you have heard that the veil is thin around this time of the year. It is a portal of magic. How will you use that magic? How will you look into your past and see the strings that bind you? Are you going to see the path that is right for you and step one foot in that direction?
Change never feels good. It’s rarely easy. But it has never been more on the table.
It’s time to dig deep and trust who you are inside. It’s time to really look at yourself. Sit with yourself. Know yourself.
From my sofa….relaxing and healing….and figuring it out myself….I send my love.