We are into Autumn now, it has always been my favorite season. But I am a sucker for coming inside and looking around and seeing what needs tidied.
I’ve been doing quite a lot of that lately, diving into a grief that spans a lifetime, maybe lifetimes. Watching it from the outside and seeing how it shimmers and changes based on my moods, how much I’m working, how much sleep I get.
But when I sit, and beckon it towards me and allow it fill to my heart, I see a very clear picture. I see lifetimes of patterns, one from the next, each changing the design in unpredictable ways.
And if I flood my senses with the smells around me, and the light, and the wind, the delicate raindrops, the brilliance of rainbows, then it disintegrates into shadow and I see it for what it truly is.
Autumn is the season for letting go. Just as the leaves drop their leaves, and plants their fruits…we too have a natural rhythm that beckons us to leave behind what no longer serves us so we can sleep peacefully and gather new life potential during the winter cycle.
When I look at how quickly these memories can flood my system and bring me to my knees, and in the next moment turn to mist and ether I can make only one jump…this particular shadow acts more like a ghost. They are memories long past, which should remain in the past, but for some reason are unfinished and combine into this mother of all triggers.
To conjure an emotional ghost you must be holding onto something with such ferocity that it takes on a mind of it’s own, it becomes shape and form. And so the search began, looking even further inside for the connection between the memories, the ghosts of the past that were haunting my present. And after many weeks of allowing the process to unfold, I was offered a very clear nugget of truth.
It was a simple truth. It almost has to be right? There are really only so many base emotions to have triggered. But when it illuminated itself for me the ghost took notice. I can’t say it disappeared, that’s not quite right. But I can say I’m getting fewer and fewer visits, and I feel more in control of emotional processes behind the grief, beyond the ghost. I can say that when I see it, I conjure up a big ball of self love and sit in the vibration of that for bit. I can say that I am aided by the energy of Autumn, giving me the insight and power to face this ghost and banish it I can only hope, forever.
‘Tis the season. Look inside and do a little closet cleaning and see which of your ghosts are ready to disapparate. What can you shed before the long winter? What does your heart really want?
I’ll continue to work on this (maybe for the rest of my life) but it feels amazing to see the threads that connect the thoughts, the memories. It feels amazing to give myself the power to think differently. It feels amazing to tap into my inner psyche in such profound ways….I highly recommend it!