I’ve been going through some stuff. Some deep, core, powerful, life changing grief stuff. I wish I could say I was at the bottom of it…but I have a feeling that I’m not that lucky just yet.
What it’s about isn’t important…but what is important are remembering those stages of grief we have all heard about.
Now, I find my order is slightly different from the one that is socially acceptable…here is the way it always happens for me:
I find that order to be pretty textbook….and every time I’m surprised when I get to #4. It slides in there and I find myself in a state I don’t normally allow myself to sit in.
I want to raise my voice and basically swear at everyone around me, whether they deserve it or not. Someone wants to turn left and makes me slow down…oh, they are going down. Someone knocks on my door when I’m trying to meditate…world war 3. The person or issue that I’m grieving…holy cow you would think they/it were the antichrist. Here on my farm, I find that taking it out on the goats is extremely therapeutic.
And as I go through this process…knowing that I may in fact have more stages of 1-4 again before I get to the final truthful all in acceptance piece…what I notice is how nice anger feels.
I know. Those who know me know that I don’t usually go the route of anger. I think it’s base and tactless, and totally low vibration. I can count on my one hand how many times I’ve actually gotten really angry at someone. But I’ve been receiving coaching from a man named Nate who is an Evolutionary Astrologer, and one of the things he is teaching me is how necessary healthy displays of anger are.
I’m not sure the way I’m doing in right now is healthy, but I’m really feeling that fire that gets generated…it gives me more creativity and passion in my life in general. I feel more energetic today than I have in a long time and I though I had an amazing nights sleep last night and a stellar cup of coffee this morning…I’m still running on full gas.
So there is something to this.
What would anger look like if it was expressed in a healthy way? Besides the super boost in energy and creativity?
1) It makes relationships healthier
Let’s look at relationships. How often when your partner does or says something that upsets you do you take a deep breath, know they are trying their best and move on? They are off the hook and you just swallowed a pit of grossness while you gave them their free pass? How much would your relationships deepen and transform if you could actually speak your mind in a constructive way without pulling the “I’m Nice” card with yourself? Getting a little heated when your boundaries are pushed or when you feel wronged is good for both of you!
I just recently watched myself go stone silent in the face of conflict instead of engaging and saying how I really felt. That benefitted no one and left me with a terrible stomach ache. So buck up, dig down deep, actually put your feelings into words..and say them. Don’t worry about what happens next, just be true to you! (And remember, “I” statements go a lot father than “you” statements!)
2) Anger helps you get what you want
I can tell you from experience when you are being a pushover you get far far less than if you stand your ground. My father is an excellent example of doing this with unhealthy anger (oh the stories I could share)…but there is an opposite way. Standing your ground and not giving in gets you far further than just accepting what is being offered. For example: My friend owns a salon and ordered a reader board for outside of her business. It came and she saw that one side had a chalkboard installed (which is what the design called for) and one side had something that was an inferior product installed. When looking it over her instinct was to people please…but I pushed her (because I was there and feeling all kinds of healthy and unhealthy rage) and she pushed him on it. She asked why the sides were different and he said he hadn’t been able to find another piece of chalkboard like that. She told him this was unacceptable and needed them both to be the same quality of board and after a few back and forth’s he committed to finishing his work the right way. Without a little fire, she would have let that slide and been unhappy with that she received. A little fire goes a long way…and no swear words or even raised voices are needed!
3) Anger as an Early Warning System
I’m embarrassed to say that for me anger usually comes out as Passive Aggressive attacks. It’s not something I’m proud of and something I continue to work on and at least catch very quickly now when I slip into that pattern. But…what I do notice is that when I am either stopping myself from being a douche and saying something passive aggressively or when I realize I have done it…I know immediately to check and see what is ruffling my feathers. If I can really pay attention to that in the moment, I can neutralize a situation before it really becomes a situation…but if I sit on it…I’m going to have to deal with more of a monster later. For me, catching it early saves me from all the side effects of feeling unloved, or unseen, or not heard, or taken advantage of…or whatever story I will inevitably end up telling myself. Catching and dealing with my feelings in the moment is so absolutely the way to ensure great sleep, great relationships (with yourself and others) and becoming more clear in who you are, and what you deserve in this lifetime.
I will continue to check in with my grief process here, knowing that like all things, this too will pass….but at least I know that the anger piece is vital and accepting that as a healthy need makes it pass that much faster and with that much more reverence to my journey!